It always starts as a random philosophical conversation. I’ve come to accept that that’s when most revelations occur. It also makes sense why I seek them out so frequently, in hopes of learning more about the world and myself.
This particular individual spoke with me about life and how we interact with it. During this, they made an observation that I couldn't shake and would have caused a flashback montage had I been in a dramatic film. It was an observation about me.
They said I was this aberrant individual, reacting to the world unlike others they had seen and met. I possessed this perpetual "grey confidence," as they called it, and I wielded it with a fury.
Those who really know me understand that I really have no confidence whatsoever. I’m incredibly shy, hide in the corner at parties, am so terrified of rejection that it causes me to shake, stutter, and occasionally tear up, and don’t really believe in myself in anything. Such an appealing image of character, eh?
Yet, even with those seemingly paralytic faults, I regularly react with wild abandon. I yell and shout in public, loudly discuss sex positions and laugh at public restaurants, and randomly approach folks on campus or on the street for whatever reason I have at the time. I genuinely do not give a shit about what strangers around me think about what I’m doing. Sometimes.
We discussed this and… I didn’t know what to say. They were right. I do and don’t give a shit. But why? Why not one or the other? What psychological issues do I possess that cause me to become gripped with fear to speak in front of a class or ask a girl for her number, but have the “confidence” to argue a position to the death, even if it’s wrong, or wear a bright yellow robe proudly to school?
The more I think of it, the less of a reason I can find. At first I thought maybe it was because I had a rock in that I went to a party with someone I knew so it alleviated the stress or I listen to music and pretend no one is staring at my robe. But that doesn’t work because I’ve been to outings where I knew many people, but was very quiet and secluded, only occasionally quipping up here and there with a sarcastic comment. And why is it when I’m being loud at a store and whoever I’m with gets uncomfortable for the both of us I simply laugh, not caring about any disapproving looks from others?
As with that night, I have not found a reason for my flares of confidence. I don’t understand why I give a shit here and don’t there. Nor am I really looking for an explanation to be given by anyone who may read this. I’m just… writing about a curious little tick in this life I’m living.
Speaking of which, I need to go pick up some milk for the bowl of frosted flakes I’ve been craving. Where did I put my yellow robe…?
