Like so many posts before, this comes from a thought string that stems from a conversation I just had with a dear friend of mine. The topic: love.
Well, it's more "like" and the search for reciprocated affection. Yeah. That works better. More specification under the umbrella of "love".
/sigh. What a silly emotion. It causes us so much turmoil, but we seek it for joy and acceptance. All of us. We are all desperately searching for this fleeting feeling, and it flutters in and out of our lives like a flaky mate, randomly showing up to kick it and usually at the worst possible time.
And when it arrives... Well, all you can really do is accept it and hope it grows. But will it grow? Is the placement of this love bud someplace fertile, our are you fucked in watering dead ground?
And that's the terrifying risk we face. And the terrifying risk we take. And the terrifying risk I've made. And the terrifying risk that failed for me.
So many times...
Too many times...
Yet we keep going. Yet we keep getting visited. Yet we keep risking. Yet we keep getting hurt.
And what the fuck for? Wouldn't it honestly be easier to forget this bullshit and move on? It's never that easy, though, is it?
I've been emotional battered, toy'd with, cheated on, and left for others. I have honestly spent some of the worst moments & periods of my life because of love. And the effect caused by this pain is I've had horrid trust issues and generally stayed away from relationships. Because, I figured, better to avoid going through that pain again, right?
But with it, I've acquired an almost perpetual emotion that haunts me to this day: loneliness. Gut-wrenching loneliness. It causes me to cry some nights.
So, is this all worth it? Staying away and "forgetting" lost love? I say... bullocks.
It's in our genes, I guess, to look for romantic companionship. Mating and reproduction and all that. But its more than that. It's that wanting and being wanted. It's holding someone close, never wanting the moment to end.
I just have to figure out if I'm ready yet. Or if they're ready for me. Or if anyone really wants me...
I've already met three I hoped... but nothing.And yes: it hurts to keep trying. /sigh. But unless I want to keep having sleepless and/or tearful nights, I have to keep trying. Why?
Gorram potential for joy. Gorram potential for acceptance. Gorram potential for reciprocated affection.
Gorram potential for love.
